How Riding a Bike Fights Capitalism

Capitalists don’t really appreciate the existence of bicycles. If they truly had their way, bikes would be forcefully collected from owners in a similar way as to how conspiracy theorists think the government might come for their guns.

Riding a bike is liberating in numerous ways. First of all, it’s free. You don’t have to pay a red cent to Exxon-Mobile in order to ride your bike around. You don’t have to pay insurance. You don’t have to pay for inspections. Capitalists, who want nothing more than your hard-earned money, find this very frustrating indeed.

Second- riding a bike is good exercise. And in a world where mega corporations encourage over-eating and unhealthy diets as a means to bolster profit, the last thing the true rulers of society want is for a fit and active public who don’t possess “back-tits”.

When I ride my bike around town, I grin as if to tell all the cars passing me by, “Hello. I’m winning. You’re not.” I wouldn’t bend so low as to let the oil companies f**k me in the ass like I were some cheap whore (I do require dinner and a movie first, mind you). And when some cock-sucker punk in his daddy’s convertible drives by, I pass him up thinking, “God, this guy’s gonna be one of the first to die when the peak-oil apocalypse finally arrives!”

So to the big oil companies, I give the one finger salute. f**k you, mother-f**kers. This is one “serf” who isn’t playing your game nor abiding by your rules. I’ll ride my bike all Spring and Summer- and in the winter, I’ll bus it.

Grant J. Kidney’s total monthly transportation costs: $0.00

I’m winning. The end.

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