We Are One People and We Share One Planet

It’s true- we are ONE people and we share ONE planet. Sure, we have our differences. And believe me- the differences far outweigh the similarities between us- however, these differences certainly do not negate the fact that there ARE similarities in the first place, right?!

Gather around all ye my children as I, Lord Kidney, shed some enlightening factoids that are sure to saturate your fluoridated brain-sacks!

First off, we’re all born naked. That’s right. We’re all born with our little Johnsons hanging out like we were laying drunk in some alley way on New Year’s Eve. Our original suit is the birthday suit- and as we lay there screaming and hollering our little heads off, we think NOTHING of how “wrong”, “sick”, and “nasty” being a chubby little naked bastard truly is. We simply EXIST.

We all eat too. Everybody eats. There isn’t a person on this planet who doesn’t eat in one form or the other (well, except for maybe Mary Kate Olsen- damn, what a skinny little prick she is). Our favorite foods- pizzas, pastas, peanuts, peppers, pork-rinds, burgers, biscuits, bacon, shell fish, seaweed, sea monsters, ham sandwiches, buffalo chicken sandwiches, bigfoot sandwiches, tow-nail stir-fry, eyeball stew, grandma testicles, fart pickles, hairy macaroni and cheese, molten marsh-mellow poop crackers, and frumunda cheese puree. If one thing is for certain, FOOD can be thought of as the UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE.

Eating leads to another common trait amongst us homosapiens- taking a crap. We all take a crap. Crap comes in all sizes and all shapes. If you’re clever enough, you might even place a cookie-cutter betwixed your bung-hole so that your turds would come out in the shape of smiley faces and Pokemon characters (how fun). Poo is one of the very thick bonds which holds our species together like a cosmic glue. It should never be overlooked no matter how stinky, foul, and oddly shaped it might be.

Here’s another lovely trait which binds the human animal beneath a single tent of global, brotherly love. Masturbation. I’m certain everyone has masturbated. Fat people, skinny people, black people, white people, Muslims, Christians, Jews, Gypsies, crippleds, Jehovah’s Witnesses, taxi drivers, terrorists, school teachers, and even those who make a living dressing up and walking around as Chuck-E-Cheese. Christians will have us believe that they’ve NEVER touched their peckers- even while taking a piss (imagine that). But we know that’s not true. We know that even the POPE HIMSELF sits there peeling his banana beneath all those lavish robes he wears.

If this doesn’t put things into perspective for you, I’m not sure what will: ALBERT EINSTEIN MASTURBATING. Imagine Einstein standing over the toilet bowl, blasting his thick, Hebrew load into the water. Imagine the contorted expression upon his face as he shoots every last drop. What? You don’t think Einstein ever masturbated?! Get real! Even your GRANDPARENTS masturbated! And just because these big time Capitalist pigs have more money than us, it doesn’t mean that they’re not still sticking their wieners beneath the couch cushions when no one’s looking!

Our titles, positions, jobs, net-worth, racial identity, religious identity, and so on and so forth DON’T MEAN A DAMN THING! They’re nothing but wholly artificial constructs designed to keep our minds off the fact that in the end, we’re all just a bunch of stupid monkeys that any alien species would more than likely CRUSH with one swift and final stroke if they were to ever visit this our f**kED UP planet. We’re all born and we all die. We take NOTHING with us. The monkey who earns the most bananas is certainly not the top dog. It’s the monkey who gets all the ass he wants that’s sitting high atop cloud-nine!

It’s undeniable. We are ONE SPECIES and we share but ONE PLANET. Nations, borders, and so forth are good ideas, but in the end, THEY’RE JUST IDEAS. When someone views this beautiful blue ball of ours from the moon, they won’t see lines of division separating Mexicans from Americans or Canadians from Sarah Palin. They see ONE GIANT, INSEPARABLE EARTH.

The truth will set you free. May it set us free in the 21st century.

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